The Final Goodbye

Well, this blog is going to be mostly about the reason why I did not want to go on my trip to New Hampshire. If you have not read that blog, its best you do first. If you have, continue.


Well, my grandmother (dad's mom) had gotten weak early in June and was put back in the hospital. I spoke to her before she was taken and seen her once while she was in. After about a week, the doctor discharged her to the Sweetwater Nursing/Rehab to receive rehab to get strong enough to come home. My father did not investigate the place and after a few days there, she got weaker and my father kicked himself in the butt for that and had her readmitted back into the hospital. Then on out, she started to decline. I knew the worse was coming a few weeks before my trip.

Let's just say that this is the grandmother that took care of me and raised me. If we went to school together, she was the short mexican lady that was around from time to time with my brother, JR (not to be mistaken with MJ) and I. She was my little mexican woman that I warned people you do not piss off. I loved her to death.

Well, the Saturday before I left I went to go see her. Her breathing had accelerated but she was not awake. I was told by my father she really was not talking. We had a feeding tube installed a week before because she had not eaten anything. My father told me to go on the trip and that he hopes she will hold out till I get back. Even though I know he was trying to be prepared, he wasn't. Sunday, he had her transported back to his house and had my old room set up for her. Hospice came out to check on her and he gave me updates about any changes.

Tuesday, June 30 in the morning my father calls me to let me know that grandma had opened her eyes and was talking a bit. I got to talk to her on the phone and told her I was on my way and I should be there shortly. It did not dawn on me till that evening about 10 mintues before my father's second call of the day. The other days he only called me once, but I realized she had a rebound. That once final chance before it dropped. My father had called me to let me know she had passed. I did let it out at the end of the call and for a few minutes but then my body shifted to adrenalyn mode and wanted to get home NOW!!!!! I travelled from middle of Tennessee to Arkansas till my mother made me stop. I know I couldn't do anything now but I was already upset I wasn't there. She left me......We feel that she may have suffered a stroke at home and just never told us. She was stubborned that way. Did not want people to take care of her but loved to take care of her family.

Well, we had the viewing on Thursday and she looked the best then she had the past few months. My father and I regreted that we were not really there in her final days. As I write this now....I guess it still hasn't dawned on me. She won't be there at her apartment anymore for me to call and check up on her. To come visit her from time to time. God may have decided it was her time, but I don't feel like it was. I am not ready. I am the strongest one so far since my youngest brother is the most sensitive and my father is just the silent type. I am still continuing on with my life but if I am left alone for my mind to wonder.......I am breaking down. Why her? Why now??? Now I understand how some of you all you have lost loved ones feel. I only have grandparent on my mother's side who remain.

It was a gravesite ceremony and I appreciate all those who showed and offered sympothy. I really broke down when they closed the casket to take the cemetary and when I was staring at the coffin. What else am I going to do? I cared for her the most and I was her baby. We still have to go and pack up the apartment and I am not prepared for that. I may have said the final good bye but I am not ready to let go. Again, I am still continuing on with my life and spending time with my husband. I do feel though that she also let go because she knew I was taken care of. I have found someone that she loved and knew would take care of me since she couldn't. We will be making a trip back in October and getting her a border around her and her husband's plot. She had been wanting that for years and just couldn't afford it but we will be doing it ourselves. Each day, I will take easily and just continue on. However, I feel like I will continue to break down as each day passes and I know its true that she is gone forever.

I love you grandma and I am so sorry that I was not here before you passed. I really wanted to be here and wished you would have held on one more day but then again I did not want you to suffer. Please watch over us as we still need you.

Ofelia Torres: 10/24/26 - 6/30/09